Of mice and women

I received the following frantic texts tonight from Female Roommate B:

  • Come home now! There is blood everywhere
  • Another mouse is on the loose
  • Female Roommate A has to clear the drain
  • And the mouse is squealing!

Oh, to be needed as a man.

I returned home to find that Female Roommate A had not only cleared the drain (I was impressed -- she hates doing it), but also had seen a mouse and scared it towards a sticky trap, where it got caught.  She awarded herself multiple Hero Points.  I very much agreed (though I think we may reduce it just to one since clearing the drain isn't worth a Hero Point).  Regardless, she had kind of contradicted my earlier post about living with women, which is probably worth a Hero Point in its own right.  And they both swore they hadn't read the post.

Anyhow, the mouse was still perfectly well alive, squirming on the trap.  I pulled it out from under the fridge, and prepared to stomp on it with my shoe.  Female Roommate B, a vegetarian, started screaming and pleading for mercy.  None was granted, particularly with a Hero Point on the line.

The blood referenced in the text message was from pomegranate seeds that had been spilled.  It wasn't actual blood.

We have fun.

Misc. thoughts

This installment of miscellaneous thoughts is brought to you by my experiences currently living with three female roommates, having lived with about a dozen different female roommates over the last few years, and having had many of their female friends over to the apartment.

Why do women seem to leave the TV on even when they're not watching it?  Is it enjoyable just to have voices talking in the background?

I hate hate hate the manufactured drama of The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Or the melodrama of Lifetime.  Yet some women are utterly mesmerized by these shows.  I mean, I get it.  I just don't feel it.

Sometimes I feel like my masculinity is primarily useful to do dirty jobs (unclog drains, deal with trash).  This is not very romantic.

I don't like having my masculinity taken for granted.  If you need me to lift something heavy, and if you ask nicely and show gratitude, then I will enjoy doing it for you.  If you ask like you are entitled to my help, then I will resent doing it for you.

If you are dating me and you want to communicate with me, the easiest way is to touch me first.  Scratch my head or run your hand down my back.  Touch before talk.  (But don't do this only when you have something negative to say.)

We have a whiteboard with chores on it: dishes, trash, etc.  When a former roommate (male, military) lived here, I added a column called "Heroic Acts of Bravery in the Face of Danger".  He wasn't good at regular chores, but he occasionally did really high value things.  One Hero point is worth many times the points for ordinary chores.  But they are hard to achieve.  The girls started to realize how much we liked these Hero points.

When I recently killed the mouse, one of my female roommates gave me a Hero point.  She was really sweet and genuine and grateful about it.  It was nice.  Ladies, you should make your man feel like a hero, and find ways to respect him even for little things.  He will love you for it.

Women often seem to preface stories (or tell stories?) by describing all the people involved and how they all relate to one another.  But it takes five minutes to get to the point.  Is there are point?  Why are you telling me this?  Are you asking me to weigh in on something?  Are you asking my advice?  If there is a functional objective to what you are saying, I need to know so that I can listen for relevant facts.  Or are you just talking to me and want me to nod along?

I can become friends with a random guy in about 45 seconds.  It's easy.  I find it harder to become friends with women, and it's never in the same kind of way.  Unless she's in her 40s or older.  Then it's easier to be friends.

I met a female astronaut last week.  She was awesome.  Very action-oriented and direct.  We got along pretty fast.

A visiting female once bragged about cheating on her boyfriends.  She saw this as a form of sexual empowerment.  The rest of us (including female roommates) found this disturbing.

I become fiercely loyal to women who seem to understand men.  One roommate said that her father told her always to give guys a chance.  That was very sweet.  I feel bad for guys who get shot down all the time.

Go see The Descendants.  After initially disliking the teenage girl in it, I fell head over heels for her.  Not because she was young and attractive, which she is, but because she was loyal to her father when her mother had wronged him.  She was astonishingly mature for her age (and looks).  It's a good movie.

Detroit Tigers sign vegetarian slugger to $214M deal

My hometown Detroit Tigers just signed Prince Fielder to a nine-year, $214 million contract.  Short-term, I'm excited because this keeps the Tigers in championship contention.  Long-term, I'm worried because this is an enormous contract to swallow -- fourth all-time, only smaller than A-Rod's two contracts and Albert Pujols' contract this year.

Oh yeah, and there's just one more long-term problem: Prince Fielder is a vegetarian.  Here is Fielder's Wikipedia entry:

"Prior to the 2008 season Fielder became a vegetarian, removing meat and fish from his diet. Fielder made this choice after reading Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, given to him by his wife Chanel."

Prince Fielder is no skinny bitch.  He's got weight issues.  Back in 2008, the NYT reported that he was 5'11'' and he tipped the scales at 270 pounds.  Long-time readers may remember that the majority of the most highlighted passages in Skinny Bitch are ways to eat sugar or processed food.  Apparently, he's taken the book to heart.  All this means he's going to age faster.  His production is going to drop sooner.  And his recovery from injuries will be slower.  I'll have to see what I can do to get him eating better.

A personal memory: I once struck out Prince Fielder in Little League.  I think I was 10 years old.

When his father, Cecil, played for the Tigers, Prince played a year of local ball before either moving or joining a travel team.  He could hit anything.  It didn't matter whether it was in the strike zone or not.  I wouldn't be surprised if his OBP was above .700.  Another time I was playing catcher and we intentionally walked him.  In Little League, there just aren't very many intentional walks -- it's considered pretty bad form.  He was that good.  Below is a local McDonald's ad that he appeared in long before his vegetarian days.

Anyhow, I wish him the best.  Go Tigers!

Motivation

Hypothesis: The most powerful motivational force in the world is the male sex drive.

Individually, females control access to sex, and thus, decide which male behaviors to reward with sex.

Collectively, societies where females reward productive males with sex are societies that will be more productive, all else equal.  Societies where females reward unproductive males with sex are societies that will be less productive, all else equal.  More productive societies grow faster than less productive societies.

Conclusion: Female sexuality controls the direction of societies.

Discuss.

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