Hunter-Gatherer | Health and human nature from an evolutionary perspective

Paleo Exception #26: Kissing

Say you're going to kiss someone. But that someone has just eaten a bag of strongly flavored grains or grain-products. Namely, Ranch Doritos. What do you do?

The Context: You've never kissed this girl before tonight. She's cute, likes dogs, and eats meat -- what's not to like? However, you did kiss her earlier in the evening, right before leaving the venue -- just to remove the tension, avoid the awkwardness around needlessly splitting a cab (Here, let me get in this taxi with you that is going in the exact opposite direction I am going), being forced to make a move on the busy sidewalk, or having to sit it out until next time. So kissing right now isn't an imperative. It's all gravy. Cool Ranch flavored gravy.

Timing: You're not catching her mid-bite, so it's not as if she still has any substantial amount of grains or grain-products in her mouth. That said, you can bet you're gonna taste that zesty Doritos boldness, so there's technically still some there, right? (Note: The Mid-Bite Kiss would be a highly unconventional, but nonetheless interesting move -- so clearly doomed to fail at getting a kiss that it would almost certainly succeed at getting a laugh. Requires high levels of confidence and a good sense of humor. Not ideal for first kiss.)

Health Concerns: Due to the negligible amount of Doritos that you will likely ingest, it should not provoke a strong glycemic response from your body. You don't count calories, but they would be minimal, and may even be net negative when you factor in your increased heart rate and interval training (roving hands repeatedly getting slapped away). You aren't celiac, so trace amounts of gluten aren't an issue. On the plus side, kissing is good for your health, right? There must be a study that says that somewhere.

Note: If you are allergic to the food item eaten by the person you are going to kiss, you should abstain, or politely ask them to brush their teeth. You could even carry a spare toothbrush, depending on how desperate you are to kiss someone. (My cousin is allergic to peanuts, and couldn't kiss her boyfriend if he had eaten peanuts recently. She's now married to a guy who is also allergic to peanuts. Never has that dude been so happy to have a food allergy.)

Long-Term Implications: Should you really be kissing girls that don't share you core, fundamental values? Isn't the foundation of a healthy relationship a set of common beliefs on things like snack foods and what to have for dinner? Shouldn't we strive to be like those vegansexuals who only have sex with other vegans? Would it not be a grand statement and inducement to eat paleo if I were only to kiss girls who also ate paleo?

No, no, no, and definitely not. But don't expect to see me neckin' with some vegan. Even you, Natalie Portman.

So here's what really happened. I jumped into a cab with her, then kissed her -- and only then did I realize that she had just eaten those Doritos. Quite an odd feeling: attracted by the kiss, but repelled by the taste. Attraction and repulsion -- gotta love the tension, it's what makes life interesting.

And heck, come to think of it, I had just eaten a pack of jerky. Cool Ranch beef jerky, anyone?

Chelsea Clinton's Vegan Wedding

I know you've all been glued to the New York Times live blog of Chelsea Clinton's wedding. But seriously, people -- who would ever get their celebrity gossip from a respected American newspaper? For that, we have to cross the Atlantic, where the Brits really know their tabloids. We turn to the Daily Mail for the inside scoop.

Let's see...the $3M pricetag for the wedding. The John Jacob Astor venue. The $1M engagement ring. The groom's father is a criminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah -- get to the good stuff. Ah, now we're talking: the food.

The wedding cake

LET THEM EAT CAKE

Chelsea has ordered a £7,000, five-tier, gluten-free wedding cake.

Rumours abound, but flamboyant designer Ron Ben-Israel is hotly tipped to be the man tasked with the job.

He created the cake for the gay wedding in the film Sex And The City 2.

It's great that gluten-free is really starting to take off. But a seven thousand pound cake? Seems a bit excessive to me -- that's three and a half tons. Also, I didn't see Sex and the City 2 (I'm waiting for it to come out on VHS), but if the cake is half as fabulous as the Sex in the City gourmet cupcakes, it's going to be quite a fabulous cake.

She's a vegan

WHADDYA MEAN IT'S VEGAN!

Despite her father’s famous predilection for fast food, Chelsea has been a vegan for more than a decade and has instructed society caterer Olivier Cheng to provide vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free dishes for the wedding feast.

Who knew? I wonder how Bill feels about this.

Happily for Bill, there will still be much to please those of a carnivorous bent, with grass-fed, organic beef also on the menu.

Phew. Can you imagine meat-lovers from Little Rock, Arkansas arriving at a 100% vegan wedding filled with Manhattanites? Now that would have been a spectacle. Bill lost 20 pounds for the wedding -- looks pretty good.

May the newlyweds live happily ever after and please forgive my foray into celebrity food gossip. The End.

The definition of jogging (and why not to do it)

Below is the dictionary definition of "jog". You'll see why I don't like the term. It's a word that means to shake, jerk, nudge, push, or jolt. There is nothing fluid or gentle about it. Don't go jogging. You'll be jogging your knees, jogging your feet, jogging your head, jogging your ankles, jogging your body. Jogging is bad. Run, chase, pursue, walk, hunt, or stalk -- anything but jog.

Hat tip to Barefoot Ken Bob for pointing this out to me.

jog

¹ [jog] Show IPA verb, jogged, jog·ging, noun

–verb (used with object)

1. to move or shake with a push or jerk: The horseman jogged the reins lightly.

2. to cause to function with a jolt for a moment or in a series of disconnected motions: He jogged the motor and started the machine.

3. to push slightly, as to arouse the attention; nudge: She jogged his elbow when she wanted to be introduced to one of his friends.

4. to stir or jolt into activity or alertness, as by a hint or reminder: to jog a person's memory.

5. to cause (a horse) to go at a steady trot.

6. Printing . to align the edges of (a stack of sheets of paper of the same size) by gently tapping.

–verb (used without object)

7. to run at a leisurely, slow pace, esp. as an outdoor exercise: He jogs two miles every morning to keep in shape.

8. to run or ride at a steady trot: They jogged to the stable.

9. to move with a jolt or jerk: Her briefcase jogged against her leg as she walked.

10. to go or travel with a jolting pace or motion: The clumsy cart jogged down the bumpy road.

11. to go in a desultory or humdrum fashion (usually fol. by on or along ): He just jogged along, getting by however he could.

–noun

12. a shake; slight push; nudge.

13. a steady trot, as of a horse.

14. an act, instance, or period of jogging: to go for a jog before breakfast.

15. a jogging pace: He approached us at a jog.

Origin: 1540–50; b. jot to jog (now dial.) and shog to shake, jog (late ME shoggen)

Barefoot running is not hardcore

The biggest misconception about barefoot running is that it's hardcore. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: it's not. Barefoot running is actually softcore. Soft. Gentle. Delicate. Light. Starting to sound less macho? I know, that's why I almost kept this to myself.

Jogging is a contact sport. Hit the road, hit the pavement, pound the pavement, pound out a few miles. Ever listen to most runners? Thud, thud, thud, thud. Injuries galore. Knee problems, shin splints, orthotics, plantar faciitis. Remind me -- what is so easy and painless about jogging? Sounds pretty hardcore to me.

If jogging is for the strong, barefoot running is for us wimps and cripples. For people who have no choice but to run softly. To minimize pain...and effort. To glide over the ground. To run, not jog. To move silently, stalk, and pursue. To minimize impact and maximize efficiency. Sounds pretty soft and weak.

The media always gets this wrong. Every time a reporter wants to talk about barefoot running, it's always, "Wow, you must be sooooo tough." As a 27-year-old male with healthy testosterone levels, it's hard not to play into this. And I'll admit that I get a kick out of the exclamations and attention when I'm running in Central Park. Girls always notice. 20% of the time they think it's gross, 80% of the time they starting throwing their sports bras.

An older lady stopped me on the way back from a run last week. 60-something years old -- and well, let's just say she didn't look like the athletic type. She told me she had been running barefoot on the indoor track for a year now and loved it.

And that's exactly what concerns me -- if all the out-of-shape seniors all start running barefoot, then the gig is up. No more babes, no more sweaty sports bras. Can we keep this just between us?