A few years ago, I was your typical office-worker: stressed out, uneven energy, overweight, and inconsistent complexion. Now I'm just your typical 28-year old urban hunter-gatherer on a quest to be healthy, and having a few adventures along the way. See my full bio.
What effect does divorce have on children's health? The initial stages of many divorces can be very acrimonious. During custody battles, and in the years after, both parents usually have a strong incentive for the children to like Mommy or Daddy. More and better Christmas presents. New toys all the time. But the easiest way for parents to control (and please) their children is -- you guessed it -- sugar and candy. The same stuff that we warn children to fear when in the hands of strangers.
A divorce can make it harder for each parent to make decisions that are in the long term best interests of the child. Rather than suffer through a tantrum, much better to just give in to his demands for a Kit Kat. Rather than seem mean, much better to give her a little something sweet. Don't we have fun when we see Daddy? He gives us candy. Don't we have fun when we see Mommy? She gives us treats. It's an arms race with no winners. Denying short term enjoyment is easier to do when you aren't battling with your former spouse for the primary affections of your child.
I get that there are plenty of married parents who use sugar to control their children. I get that divorce is sometimes necessary. I get all that. That's not what I'm talking about. Got any perspective on this issue? Please share it in the comments.
Comments
Wow John, this is an really
Wow John, this is an really important post! It can extend to spoiling kids in general - a real temptation for parents for many reasons.I didn't feed my daughter candy when my husband and I divorced, but she never tasted sugar at all until she was over three. I was also a minimalist and not into stuff so I didn't go that route either. Overall, I was very careful to keep things as normal as possible and my ex was the same. We didn't ever go to court and we had no custody battles. We didn't like each other either, but we kept it cool for her. Maybe it's challenging to do this. Maybe it takes more work to really be there for kids emotionally. But what kids need is not candy, not toys, not fake attitudes, just really people that are their parents who happen to be split up. In the four years since we've been divorced my duaghter has amazed people with how level headed and happy she is. Of course, it sucks to have your parents split up and sure there will be some amount of pain for it, but if we are commited to being honest, real parents, our kids will deal with it so much better.
My parents got divorced when
My parents got divorced when i was about 14-15. We never had any sort of specific diet our whole lives but ate home-cooked family dinners that were fairly healthy. I'm the youngest so sweets at that age was never a factor and there was no bribery of any sort. The divorce was maybe semi-messy but I think we were fortunate that everybody knew they were loved and so I never saw such an issue first hand (wish somebody coulda tried to one-up someone at christmas!! how come I never thought of that!). Now we are all adults and have our own respective diets. I'm paleo and my mother is halfway there. My dad and brother have no dietary direction. and my sister (the only one who lives out of town and has a degree) has a healthy week diet and kinda splurges on weekends from what I gather. I never thought about it before but this is interesting: I was always closer with my mom, as my brother was my dad (pre and post-divore). Now my mom and I have healthier lifestyles then the two of them... wonder if there is anything to that...
In my experience (and I'm
In my experience (and I'm still married with two teenagers, but I have divorced friends with families), divorce is just one phenomenon that magnifies the amount of power and say kids wield or are given today, long before it's good for them, especially in our urban culture. Face it; kids are the targets of huge amounts of mass-marketing. Childcare is expensive, so kids go with dad to the supermarket, and it's terribly embarrassing to let your child throw a tantrum in the aisle, or worse, wander away from mom in a crowded New York supermarket or afterwards on the subway...By the time they are adolescents, through their access to the net, they will be able to blackmail almost anyone to get what they want, including teachers, etc....I just think it's kind of useless to fight or insulate kids from this amount of choice, in the long run; the only thing to do is to set as positive examples as best we can. But to do this, I would say that it can be crucial for mom and dad to agree upon what they like to eat and what they want to serve, so I think it's important that couples discuss diet among other lifestyle issues. Even if both partners have fairly healthy diets, I'd say that if dad's a paleo and mom's a vegan, or one partner claims allergies to a zillion things, it risks teaching that everyone in the family has to be catered to. It erodes the unity of the family table. How can you insist that little Johnny eat his tomato soup or broccoli when mom is on a nightshade-eliminating diet or dad claims exemption from broccoli? When there are real allergy issues, then you really have to, but often these things are diet fads. It gets too complicated to cater to every family member, and then families stop cooking as a unit, giving everyone a different microwaveable TV dinner, or worse, pasta and pizza. All of us, I believe, even neo-cavemen, have to admit how much food is part of sociablility and the giving of love, among lovers and in society as a whole, and make choices and compromises accordingly. Even for cavemen, I believe, (and certainly for Adam and Eve) the way to a man's heart has always been through his stomach.
My ex and I divorced over 2
My ex and I divorced over 2 years ago and I have a majority of the custody and their father gets weekend visits and a couple weeks here and there. In these last two years, and especially the last 9 months, I've made some serious changes to our diet, slowly switching us to more of a "paleo diet" than anything else. My kids rarely get sweets or candy at my house - maybe an all-natural granola bar or homemade paleo-friendly cookies every once in a while - and they seem quite happy with it. I think it helps that they are still pretty young (3 and 5). Best of all, the low-gluten diet has helped immensely with my daughter's "tummy issues" that have plagued her since almost birth.I know when they go to their dad's, they get candy, junk food, bread and pasta. I've tried to share information about gluten-intolerance (I, my mother, and my sisters all have it, so I'm sure that's my daughter's issue too) but he thinks it's all a bunch of balogna. I try not to stress about it but rather quickly return them to their usual wholesome diet and never bad-mouth their father or his dietary choices. That's his house, his rules...nothing I can do about it. As my daughter gets older, I'll teach her what she can or can't eat and how to decipher the signals her body gives her so she can eat what's best for her. Until then, I keep my mouth shut - best way to keep the peace. ;-)
I believe this is the classic
I believe this is the classic Prisoner's Dilemma. Everybody would be better off if neither parent fed sugar to the child. However, one parent using sugar would lead to the kid being unhappy with the other parent. And so both parents will end up using sugar, which is not in anyone's best interest.
I witnessed this arms race
I witnessed this arms race first-hand. On top of the already standard starch based Mexican-American diet, there was the compensation route both my parent s felt I deserved, the impoverished living standards (hefty divorce fees didn't help) that meant cheap fast food and minimal outside play time (due to fear of gang-related influencing), quick fixes to a long work days, an overall minimal understanding of nutrition, and very little effort, if any, to make healthy dietary choices (quality or caloric intake wise). They Little League would balance things out -- there is very little exercise in baseball. I should have been playing futbol (soccer). It took a determined 14-21 year old (currently 21, paleo, 50 pounds leaner, 5 inches taller, and working on my six-pack) to turn my life around. I could relate with this blog post a little bit too much. P.S. As a coordinator for an Elementary After-School program I am looked upon as a sugar Nazi, when the act of giving candy to kids is ever discussed.
You're talking about divorce
You're talking about divorce among a very specific population and, even then, you're making an awful lot of assumptions about them. It comes off as pretty pompous without proof.
If John has seen it, how is
If John has seen it, how is that not proof? First-hand experience: seems pretty empirical to me. And when you say he's talking about "a very specific" population, you're highlighting his drawing of strict parameters, which limits his ability to generalize. I think he is being overly-restrictive. I've also seen this phenomenon occur between maternal and paternal grandparents. The grandma with the biggest candy jar or best chocolate chip cookies wins.
This is a divorce-specific
This is a divorce-specific effect, so there's no way to discuss it except in the context of people who get divorces with children. I've observed it, and I've observed the health consequences of it. The "extra gifts and toys" effect is well-known. This is parallel to that, with a tool that parents (married or not) use all the time. I've asked people to share their perspectives on the issue. Children's health is an important issue. Not sure what is pompous about that.
My Dad's place when my
My Dad's place when my parents split had NOTHING but Bear Claws, Butterhorns, Lay's potato chips, and Mug Root Beer. In his defense, he didn't do that on purpose. It was the base of his diet. I did think it was pretty cool that he had a charge acount at the Minute Mart two blocks away that I could use at my leisure.