A few years ago, I was your typical office-worker: stressed out, uneven energy, overweight, and inconsistent complexion. Now I'm just your typical 28-year old urban hunter-gatherer on a quest to be healthy, and having a few adventures along the way. See my full bio.
This installment of miscellaneous thoughts is brought to you by my experiences currently living with three female roommates, having lived with about a dozen different female roommates over the last few years, and having had many of their female friends over to the apartment.
Why do women seem to leave the TV on even when they're not watching it? Is it enjoyable just to have voices talking in the background?
I hate hate hate the manufactured drama of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Or the melodrama of Lifetime. Yet some women are utterly mesmerized by these shows. I mean, I get it. I just don't feel it.
Sometimes I feel like my masculinity is primarily useful to do dirty jobs (unclog drains, deal with trash). This is not very romantic.
I don't like having my masculinity taken for granted. If you need me to lift something heavy, and if you ask nicely and show gratitude, then I will enjoy doing it for you. If you ask like you are entitled to my help, then I will resent doing it for you.
If you are dating me and you want to communicate with me, the easiest way is to touch me first. Scratch my head or run your hand down my back. Touch before talk. (But don't do this only when you have something negative to say.)
We have a whiteboard with chores on it: dishes, trash, etc. When a former roommate (male, military) lived here, I added a column called "Heroic Acts of Bravery in the Face of Danger". He wasn't good at regular chores, but he occasionally did really high value things. One Hero point is worth many times the points for ordinary chores. But they are hard to achieve. The girls started to realize how much we liked these Hero points.
When I recently killed the mouse, one of my female roommates gave me a Hero point. She was really sweet and genuine and grateful about it. It was nice. Ladies, you should make your man feel like a hero, and find ways to respect him even for little things. He will love you for it.
Women often seem to preface stories (or tell stories?) by describing all the people involved and how they all relate to one another. But it takes five minutes to get to the point. Is there are point? Why are you telling me this? Are you asking me to weigh in on something? Are you asking my advice? If there is a functional objective to what you are saying, I need to know so that I can listen for relevant facts. Or are you just talking to me and want me to nod along?
I can become friends with a random guy in about 45 seconds. It's easy. I find it harder to become friends with women, and it's never in the same kind of way. Unless she's in her 40s or older. Then it's easier to be friends.
I met a female astronaut last week. She was awesome. Very action-oriented and direct. We got along pretty fast.
A visiting female once bragged about cheating on her boyfriends. She saw this as a form of sexual empowerment. The rest of us (including female roommates) found this disturbing.
I become fiercely loyal to women who seem to understand men. One roommate said that her father told her always to give guys a chance. That was very sweet. I feel bad for guys who get shot down all the time.
Go see The Descendants. After initially disliking the teenage girl in it, I fell head over heels for her. Not because she was young and attractive, which she is, but because she was loyal to her father when her mother had wronged him. She was astonishingly mature for her age (and looks). It's a good movie.
Comments
Love love love these astute
Love love love these astute observations. All of them true for me as well. But, er, well... if you missed the subtext and blatant misandry/bizareness in The Descendants, you might want to give TLP's take on it a good long read: thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/12/if_you_liked_the_descendants_y.htmlFood for thought.
I wonder if silverback
I wonder if silverback gorillas have these thoughts?
My poor father, the only male
My poor father, the only male in a house of four, used to ask a question before listening to any rant from my mother, my sister, or me:"Do you just want someone to listen, or do you want a solution?"
Got a little weird there at
Got a little weird there at the end with all thet alk of the "teenage" girl in The Descendants! haha otherwise good Misc. Thoughts post! I like these for sure.
Oops, forgot my name, its me
Oops, forgot my name, its me Frank :)
"See. if I'm thirsty. I
"See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness." --Gloria, in "White Men Can't Jump"
Well it's biology. Men and
Well it's biology. Men and women communicate in far different ways, it's just the way our brains are wired, and the remarkable, awesome human thing about communication as a mental characteristic, you can learn to change it. Or at least women seem to be mentally flexible in that manner. "Essential information" in communication differs between the genders. You may not understand why a female would give you a backstory, but to women, we wonder these things - that's our "essential information." And men communicate more succintly, not requiring much outside information to process what is being said.
Well it's biology. Men and
Well it's biology. Men and women communicate in far different ways, it's just the way our brains are wired, and the remarkable, awesome human thing about communication as a mental characteristic, you can learn to change it. Or at least women seem to be mentally flexible in that manner. "Essential information" in communication differs between the genders. You may not understand why a female would give you a backstory, but to women, we wonder these things - that's our "essential information." And men communicate more succintly, not requiring much outside information to process what is being said.
"Why do women seem to leave
"Why do women seem to leave the TV on even when they're not watching it? Is it enjoyable just to have voices talking in the background?"I don't think this is particular to women, perhaps just the women you live with. My boyfriend does this, whereas I rarely turn on the TV and prefer the quiet when I'm doing anything other than actually watching TV.
My husband does this, too. It
My husband does this, too. It drives me nuts. It is definately not a 'female' thing. I dislike background noise for the sake of noise while he seems to need it.
Why do women seem to leave
Why do women seem to leave the TV on even when they're not watching it? Is it enjoyable just to have voices talking in the background?This bugs me, too but it is not just women. I have a bunch of young male friends who pretty much have ESPN on any time they're home, even if they're in another room and only thing that's on is (virtually) the same hour of SportsCenter over and over again. One of my professors back in college would put talk radio on in his office and then ignore it while he graded papers.I have a similar complaint about the bars and restaurants that have seven TVs visible from every seat, and each one is showing a different sports channel. I know there's something deep-seated and tribal about watching our team beat their team in as big a group as possible, but do we really have to have that much distraction 24/7?
"Women often seem to preface
"Women often seem to preface stories (or tell stories?) by describing all the people involved and how they all relate to one another. But it takes five minutes to get to the point. Is there are point? Why are you telling me this? Are you asking me to weigh in on something? Are you asking my advice? If there is a functional objective to what you are saying, I need to know so that I can listen for relevant facts. Or are you just talking to me and want me to nod along?" This is just a very well known difference of the way women and men communicate. This particular difference is very well documented. Complaining isn't really going to change anything.It might be more productive to frame this post with ways that women and men can both meet in the middle a little, rather than the implication that women should completely change the way their brain works to cater to a man's communication style. "I met a female astronaut last week. She was awesome. Very action-oriented and direct. We got along pretty fast."This is basically saying that you just want all women to act like men, and then you would like her. I don't think that's a realistic solution to the "problem" you're complaining about here.
- Women often seem to preface
- Women often seem to preface stories (or tell stories?) by describing all the people involved and how they all relate to one another. Actually tif you read the Icelandic Sagas (compiled by a man: Storri Snurlsson) they do exactly this, ditto for the Old Testament.
It seems that John is
It seems that John is attempting to "meet in the middle," here. What I got from it was: hey, I notice girls think/speak like this, but that's not how men think/speak. It's perfectly okay if girls continue to speak this way, as their brains are wired to do, but if they preface their stories with 1. why they're telling it, and 2. what they need from their male audience, then the male is more likely to listen and respond effectively/appropriately to the female speaker's needs. I don't understand how prefacing a story is asking women to "completely change the way their brain works," unless their brain is not capable of realizing why they need to tell a story and what they need from their listener; which I suspect is rarely the case. If anything it could be a useful tool for said female to spend more time thinking before she speaks; which all people should all do; we should all be more careful with our words. As a female thinker/speaker, I don't think this is too much to ask. I think it's actually kind of neat and helpful; a great way to meet in the middle.